xxxxx The 6 Worst Categories Of Funny Church Names The popular practice of trendy church names was recently mocked by the Christian sati...
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The 6 Worst Categories Of Funny Church Names
The popular practice of trendy church names was recently mocked by the Christian satirical website Babylon Bee. They encouraged people to avoid using phrases like "Faith," "Bible," "Church," or—heaven forbid—the name of their religion. Avoid choosing a name that informs potential attendees about your church, advised the fictitious experts. Choose a name that you can sell.
I laughed a lot, but it made me stop and ponder. What if I made a list of the actual church names that make me cringe the most? I decided to do a quick informal social media survey, and the responses were overwhelming. These church names—all of which I checked and are real—have been whittled down into nine useful categories for your convenience.
Please don't send me furious emails; I count all of you who attend these, ahem, imaginatively titled churches as brethren and sisters. We're all in this together, and if you can't laugh at yourself, what good is life? Here are the nine categories of modern, and contemporary church names without further ado.
Funny Church Names
1. Just Random Words
These made me believe that the branding committees or agencies in charge of renaming churches like Pleasant Grove Presbyterian or First Baptist Church of Springfield simply wrote nouns and verbs on slips of paper, threw them into a hat, and named their church based on one or two words the senior pastor pulled out.
The unusual names of these churches are "City," "City Hope," "Cornerstone," "Create Church," "Destiny City Church," "Dream City Church," Intersect Church," Elevate Church," "Elevate Life Church," "Lifebridge Church," "The Compass Church," and "Reality Church."
Some names made me wonder if they were chosen while a deacon's child was driving and gazing out the window. Red Door, The Branch, The Harbor, The House, The Journey, The Orchard, The Painted Door, and The River were a few of them.
2. The Grocery Store Romance Novel
These subtly sentimental congregational cognomens unavoidably evoke the titles of paperback books in the grocery store checkout aisle aimed at middle-aged mothers; books whose covers feature strong, traditionally masculine men with their heads cropped off holding breathless, bonnet-clad women in front of a picturesque scene that alludes to the conventional mores holding back their achingly unconsumed love.
Burning Hearts, Door of Hope, Epiphany Station, Liberating Spirit, Mercy Road, New Horizons, Passion, Second Chance Church, Shepherd of the Prairie, The Nest of Love, The Refuge, and Word Aflame were among the greatest.
3. The Gated Community
Church can provide a sense of location for Christians. A group of local Christians congregates there to worship, get married, and cry. So it stands to reason that these gathering places would substitute names that invite attendees to pull into their two-car garage, kick off their shoes, let the dog out, and make themselves at home for stuffy religious names like "First Methodist of Kingstown" or "Greenville Church of God." That could be the reason why so many churches today sound like neighborhoods or apartment buildings.
The names Bayside, Centerpoint, CrossPoint, Grace Pointe (with a "e"—fancy! ), Highpoint, LifePoint, Crossbridge, Crossings, Crossroads, "The Crossing," Prairie Heights, and "The Bridge" were a few of my favorites. Although I haven't yet verified it, I've heard rumors that some of these churches have established homeowners' organizations to control the duration of their sermons and the grass.
4. The Night Club
Numerous trendy, usually one-word church names that beg for a pounding beat were given to me. You can practically smell the martinis, feel the bass, and hear yourself shouting to your date above the noise that you're going to order another round. No one would notice if you switched out their names and disco balls with those of nearby clubs. And the phrases are self-explanatory: "This city boasts a vibrant nightlife. It requires eternal life.
The best ones included "180 Church," "Dwell," "Elevate," "Epic," "Flow Church," "Discovery," "Ignite," "Ignite," "Ignite" (yes, I got three of those—Christians love fire), "Lighthouse," "Oasis," "Submerge," "The Alley," "The Encounter," "The Experience," "The Pursuit," "The Spot," "The Verge," and my personal favorite, "Vid
5. The Gym
It's no secret that there are too few men in American churches. We simply don't have enough of us. Guys are simply becoming less interested in attending church on Sundays, in large part due to feminine worship that includes songs that make Jesus sound somewhat like a boyfriend. We want our Christianity to be more active and tough; we want Mass to have more muscle.
Therefore, what better way to invite fellow Christians to join your worship sessions that are pumped full of testosterone than to make your church sound like a gym? These highly motivated, steel-reinforced church names undoubtedly offer cross-training that will prevent you from experiencing the eternal burn, despite the fact that Jesus' yoke may be mild and his burden light.
Champion Life Church, Action Church, Church on the Move, Empowerment Center, No Limits Fellowship, Potential Church, The Foundry, and VLife Church were some of the top churches (which actually sounds more like a protein shake, but oh well).
6. The Internet Startup
The people in Silicon Valley want something more sophisticated. They are creative—modern Da Vincis—always formulating the next big concept that may change the way we commute, conduct business, and pass time on our cell phones. Because of this, a lot of churches are choosing tech-savvy names and sleek, simple logos that give them an Internet startup appearance rather than a place of worship. You don't need to inquire about their app availability. They resemble apps in many ways. No, there won't be any headphone jacks in any of these churches, but the minister will be donning a black turtleneck.
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